Are you interested in coming across as a complete asshole when you travel abroad? If so, you’re in luck!
There are currently thousands, even millions of douchebag travelers who’ve perfected the fine art of offending everyone they meet when they travel abroad.
Don’t let those numbers discourage you – if you play your cards right and are diligent in your pursuits, you too can rise to top of the asshole traveler list, setting the bar for all the jerks who’ll follow in your footsteps.
But with an endless array of options to choose from, where does the aspiring asshole start? Which tactics are most effective when it comes to achieving the coveted title of Traveling Asshole?
1. Speak as loudly as possible at all times
Remember that while people may speak softly in other countries, that’s none of your concern. It’s much more important to be a cultural ambassador and impress upon those quiet locals how much better it feels to let loose and SHOUT REALLY LOUD BECAUSE YOU CAN.
Also, don’t forget to share the intimate details of what (and who) you did last night, which is obviously of genuine interest to anyone within ear shot.
2. Complain…about everything
It’s not enough to complain about the food, send it back, and indicate that your local chef is “doing it wrong.” That kind of half-assed move is for junior assholes.
To be a true asshole when you travel abroad, it’s important to complain about everything.
First, complain about the weather. Forget the fact that you were the one who decided to visit Cambodia in the middle of April – someone should seriously do something about this heat.
Next, complain about things like the lack of infrastructure, the price of your hotel room, and the lack of English spoken. Bonus points for making fun of locals attempting to speak English but failing.
By complaining, you’ll be demonstrating that your home country is superior to the country you’re visiting, and inspiring locals to make changes to their country based on your savvy recommendations.
3. Claim to be an English teacher
The fact that you’re a native English speaker means you’re perfectly suited to teach English to everyone you meet, whether they want your help or not.
When a non-native speaker can’t understand what you’re saying, simply increase your volume. This will help them understand what you’ve just said. If it doesn’t, get frustrated and be rude to them. This will motivate them to learn English faster.
If you’re in close contact with non-native speakers for long periods of time, be sure to speak to them in broken English, using only nouns and verbs.
In this way, you will reinforce bad habits they’ve already learned, ensuring they will keep speaking incorrectly. This in turn will give you something to make fun of when you return home – after all, just because you’ve stopped traveling abroad doesn’t mean you have to stop being a douche.
Finally, teach English to your non-native English speaking friends by demonstrating the proper use of the word “like.” Include like at least four times per sentence, more if possible.
A strong example of this would be:
“Is there, like, a safe in our room? Because we like, don’t want the room if, like, there’s no like, safe.”
Not only will this make your speech easier for locals to understand; it will make you appear very intelligent.
4. Travel in packs
It’s much easier to achieve asshole status if you travel abroad in a large pack. Grab at least 10-12 of your closest newfound friends from your hostel, and proceed to walk around town like you own the place.
Keep in mind that everyone – from restaurant staff to tour guides to pedestrians – should stop what they’re doing to cater to the needs of your group.
Don’t forget to utilize volume – particularly loud, high-pitched, maniacal laughter – to remind everyone that you guys rule.
5. Make it like spring break
Take your wildest nights during spring break in college and experience them again – but in another country. This is a delicate art form, but ideally you want to act like you never left home in the first place.
Don’t become distracted by things like cultural experiences and the local way of living. That stuff is stupid and boring.
Instead, make sure everyone you meet knows that this is your vacation, and they all should be working hard to make sure your vacation is awesome.
Bonus points for screaming “SPRING BREEEEEEAK” at 3am, especially in neighborhoods with lots of families with young children. Double bonus points for working in “Dude, I was so fucking wasted last night” into the conversation. Triple points if you’re still drunk from the night before.
Phew! Sounds like a lot of work, right? Don’t worry. Even if you’re only able to achieve one of the items on the list, you’ll still come across as a jerk, which is a good start.
Above all, keep in mind that when you travel abroad, it’s all about you. The world (and everyone in it) is simply there to make sure you have a great time, so treat it (and everyone you meet) accordingly.
- Whatever you do, don’t cater your behavior to the norms of the culture you’re in – that would be admitting that their way of doing things is better than yours.
- Don’t open yourself up to any experiences even remotely different from what you’d experience at home – eat Western food, drink in tourist bars, and hang out with people from your home country.
- Finally, keep your eye on the prize – the whole purpose of traveling abroad is to party, drink, and have as much sex as possible.
And whatever you do, never treat travel as a way to open your mind, examine your beliefs, or experience something infinitely different than your life back home.
If you do that, you’ll never win the travel asshole award.
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1. Speak as loudly as possible at all times.
2. Complain about everything.
3. Teach English to everyone you meet, whether they like it or not.
4. Travel in an enormous pack of 12 of your closest friends.
5. Treat every day you travel abroad like it's spring break in your home country.
Want to dig deeper? Go for it!